


Knots

by shushu_yaoi_lj



Series: Knots [1]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Baz freaks out, Baz has a plan, Canon Compliant, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Gentle Simon Snow, Love Letters, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Pining, Post-Book 2: Wayward Son, Simon is confused, confessions in the dark, fluff to follow, intimacy issues, kind of, mainly angst at the beginning, steamy love letters, wallowing, will they ever find the recipe for scones?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:41:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23953246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shushu_yaoi_lj/pseuds/shushu_yaoi_lj
Summary: Simon Snow has left Baz. But Baz is not just going to wallow in self pity (well, he might do that at the beginning), he needs to win him back. Fiona has a plan, Penny is at her wits’ end and Shep is quite confused.This fic is now complete!
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Knots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1772329
Comments: 107
Kudos: 195





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies for the angsty start, I promise it gets better (and I’ve rated it mature just to be safe).  
> Wayward Son was a difficult book to digest, some parts upset me to no end and I felt like writing something about the ending to make peace with it.  
> I’ve been listening to an Italian son called Grovigli (Knots) by Malika Ayane and it reminds me of Simon and Baz, so I’m using it for this fic. I have translated the lyrics, you can listen to it [here!](https://open.spotify.com/track/4BpSetz3brDjXR6MXPrgIw) (it’s a beautiful song).

**Chapter 1**

I feel you flowing  
through my backbones  
indistinguishable from the poison  
on my skin.

You're in my stomach,  
like a draught,  
you can tear me to pieces  
and I can barely feel it.

I won't leave it to  
my good judgement to decide  
what there is to fight for,  
and what to let go.

Stay with me, even though it will hurt.

Malika Ayane, “ _Grovigli_ ” (Knots)

**Baz**

Simon Snow has left me.  
I thought he had understood how much he means to me, when we talked on the beach in America. But then we came home, Penelope and I had to go to Watford to sort out an issue with her mother and Simon refused to come with us.  
When we came back, he simply said he wanted to talk to me and without even looking at me in the eyes he uttered a simple “it’s over.”

I want to scream and pull him towards me and kiss him until he realises that it's a mistake and that we are meant to be together. I want to ask why and tell him that I love him; I love him so much; I love him more than anything in the whole world. But I just stand here instead, rooted to the spot in his messy bedroom, unable to open my mouth or move. Paralysed with fear.  
What am I going to do without him?  
How did I manage to fuck up the only thing that really mattered in my sad pathetic half-life?  
“Baz, it’s over...”  
He turns his back to me and looks outside of his window; I can see his shoulder hunched under the weight of his wings, a slight tremor running through them.  
Is he crying?  
I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. I squeeze my eyes shut and wish this was just a terrible nightmare.  
Then I turn and leave, because I can’t stay here in this distorted reality anymore or I'll scream and punch him into sense. I will bite him and then kill myself with fire, like I should have done that day in the forest, before he could have kissed me.  
I go home in autopilot mode; I don’t even know how I manage to get on the tube and navigate the crowd of rush hour London. When I arrive at Fiona’s flat, I close the door behind me and just sit on the sofa, the hours go by and I just sit.  
I can’t speak. I can’t move. I can’t eat. I just sit and wish I could disappear.

I don’t know for how long I have been here; I must have drifted off to sleep at a certain point. My mouth feels dry and I feel pain all over my body. I smell awful and I am so hungry I think I'm going to go crazy.  
Then I remember.

Fiona opens the door to our flat and stares at me with her grey eyes open wide.  
“Basil, what the fuck happened? Why are you not answering your phone?”  
I turn towards her and just breathe. In and out, in and out. What time is it? What day is it?  
“Aleister fucking Crowley, Baz! What happened to you? Have you been kidnapped by Numpties again? Shit, you stink, when was the last time you washed?”  
She takes her coat off and kneels down in front of me.  
“Talk to me, boyo, come on,” she whispers softly, patting my knee like she used to do when I was a kid.  
“Fiona...” my voice sounds hoarse; I realise I haven’t actually uttered a single word since I spoke to Snow the other day.  
Simon...  
“Fiona...he broke up with me...”  
Saying it out loud for the first time makes it sound so real that I feel sick.  
I can see the anger rising in Fiona’s eyes and her expression becomes almost feral.  
“I’m going to fucking murder him! How dare he leave you? After all you’ve done for him? Does he not realise that he will never find a better bloke than you? Is he fucking out of his mind?!”  
“No, Fi, it's all my fault... I was a shitty boyfriend and... I never...”  
I clench my fists and I can feel the tears finally running down my face as a loud sob escapes my mouth. Fiona hugs me so tight that if I weren’t a vampire, I would probably end up with cracked ribs. She sits next to me and she rocks me, while I slowly disintegrate in her arms.

“Ok, boyo, I will tell you what we are going to do. You’re going to take a shower, change your clothes and then I will take you out to eat something nice. You also need to go hunting, because you really look dreadful, Basil. And after that, you’re going to put on your best suit and you’re going to beat some sense into Simon bloody Snow.”  
“What?” I ask with a feeble voice.  
“Basil, from what I gathered from your undignified blabbering earlier, you haven’t been entirely truthful to him. He doesn’t know you’re in love with him and he hasn’t even given you a proper reason why he left you. And you need that, because otherwise you will keep on wallowing in self-pity and never recover from this. Trust me; been there, done that. You need to speak to him and then if you truly should break up, you break up. But I didn’t raise my only nephew and the heir of the Pitch house to just accept things without a fight. Right? Time to snap out of it and be the man of action every Pitch needs to be in this kind of shitty situation.”  
Somehow her words sink in and I nod.  
She’s right. I need to speak to him. I need to fight for this and I need to talk some sense into him. He didn’t tell me why he wants to break up. Not everything is lost.  
I hug Fiona, get up and put my coat on.  
“Wait, Basil, where are you going?”  
“To Snow’s flat, thanks for the prep talk.”  
“You haven’t even wash-“  
I close the door behind me and run down the stairs. If I could cast a **Make way for the king!** on the bloody tube I would, but I doubt it would make any difference. I drain a couple of rats on my way there, because otherwise I will bite a tourist. I’ve never felt so thirsty. I get to Snow’s flat and I take a deep breath; I don’t know if I’m still welcome inside. Bunce might have already put up wards against me and I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t get to speak to him. I brace myself and I knock on the door.

**Penelope**

I strongly hope it’s finally Baz at the door, Shep and I don’t know how to deal with the Simon situation anymore. I mean, I have to admit that Shep has been a blessing in disguise; he’s much better than me at handling other people’s feelings and apparently he’s been through several break-ups already. I would have called Baz straight away, but Simon made me promise not to. I was about to call him anyway, because I’m at my wit’s end.  
I open the door and nothing could have prepared me for this sight. Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch with a stubble, dirty hair and crumpled clothes. He has dark circles under his eyes, he’s much paler than usual and he actually stinks. I thought Simon was the worst off, but I might reconsider.  
“Great snakes, what happened to you? When was the last time you showered? Are you wearing the same clothes as two days ago?!”  
“Penelope, may I come in?”  
“Of course you can, Simon’s in his room.”  
He seems to hesitate before coming in and I wonder if he thinks he’s not welcome anymore.  
“Shepard! We’re going for a walk!”  
Let’s leave the two idiots to sort themselves out; for the first time in my life I actually hope to come back and find them snogging like the ridiculous sappy boyfriends they used to be.

**Shepard**

What? We’ve just been for a walk, literally ten minutes ago!  
I was about to make myself and Simon some lunch. These British people are obsessed with their parks…

**Baz**

I knock on his door, but there’s only a muffled sound coming from his bedroom. I take a deep breath and I let myself in.  
Simon is sitting on his bed with his head between his knees, he’s crying his eyes out and hiccupping loudly, it’s a whole scene.  
“Penny…I can’t do this anymore…”  
“Simon…”  
His face snaps up as soon as he hears my voice and his eyes fill with even more tears; his bottom lip is quivering and he starts sobbing more loudly than before.  
“Baz, what are you doing here? You shouldn’t be here…” he manages to say in between sobs.  
I want to sit next to him and put my arms around his back, I’m dying to touch him, but I don’t want to scare him away.  
“Simon, I just want to talk. I shouldn’t have run away the other day.”  
“There’s nothing to talk about; it’s over. You’re better off without me. I’m only a burden to you.”  
I start to understand the reason why he left me and I suddenly feel angry.  
“Is that why you broke up with me? You think you’re a burden to me?!”  
He doesn’t answer, instead he gets some tissues and starts blowing his nose, whimpering as he does so.  
“Crowley, Simon! I told you already, I chose you. You’ll never be a burden to me, I told you in America that I wouldn’t be happy anywhere without you!”  
He shakes his head and avoids my eyes.  
“I’m Normal, I have no magic, no family, and I’m not a vampire. We belong to different worlds now.”  
“You have a tail and wings, Simon!”  
I realise too late that I should have told him that he is my world. My entire fucking world. I always manage to say the wrong thing.  
“I’m going to get Dr Wellbelove to remove them. I already called him and he said he can do it next week. I will get a job and pay my own rent and get on with my Normal life, like I should have done from the beginning.”  
“If that’s what you really want, that’s brilliant. But why can I not be part of your life anymore?”  
“Baz, I'm just dragging you down. You’re successful and you’re full of magic and potential, you can’t waste your life with me.”  
For a second I seriously considering punching him, because that’s what we spent years doing; that’s how we always dealt with conflict. But then I take a deep breath and I finally say what I should have said ages ago, at the leavers ball.  
Because if I don’t say it now, I will lose him for good.  
I was so wrong; some things should not be left poetically unsaid.  
“I love you, you idiot!” my voice breaks as tears start falling down my cheeks. For a moment, he's paralysed and just stares at me with his big blue eyes.  
“You’re just saying that out of pity,” he mumbles.  
“When have I ever said or done anything to you out of pity?”  
“Baz, for the past year you have been with me out of pity!”  
“How blind can you be? I have been with you because I love you! Because I've been in love with you since I was fifteen! Probably since the moment the Crucible gave you to me, but I was too stupid to realise that.”  
He just sits there, tears streaming down his face, his mouth open.  
“Simon, I love you. Please don’t leave me.” I kneel down in front of him and put my hands on his knees, like Fiona did to me earlier.  
“I know being together hurts sometimes, but please stay with me.”

**Simon**

He said that he loves me. No one has ever said that to me. Ever.  
He told me that he loves me and I tried to convince him that it’s not true, because it can’t be true; he’s better off without me and he doesn’t realise it.  
But he’s kneeling in front of me and he’s crying. And he begged me. Baz has never begged, probably in all his life.  
“Baz…”  
“Please give me a second chance, Simon.”  
If he keeps on calling me Simon, I’m probably going to give in. I really want to kiss him and hold him close to me, but it took all the courage I had to break up with him and it left me in pieces. I don’t think I’ll ever manage to do it again.  
“Come with me, I’m taking you away for a few days,” he says.  
“You have to study, where do you want to go?”  
“I can’t focus on anything right now. I only want to focus on you. Besides I’m still on holiday and it’s Friday, isn’t it?”  
I have no fucking clue what day it is.  
“Baz, where do you want to go? You know road trips are not a good idea.”  
“It’s just a couple of hours drive, you just pack a bag and I’ll take care of the rest.”  
I’m too exhausted to say no. I have barely slept for the past two days and I have missed him with every single cell of my being.  
I just want to give in. I just want to give up.  
I just can’t say no, because I’m weak and pathetic.  
“Ok, but we both need to shower first. I think we stink.”

**Baz**

Snow looks like he has been run over by a truck, his eyes are all puffy and swollen, his nose is red and he can barely stand. He really needs to sleep and to eat something nice and warm.  
I text Penelope while he’s in the shower to let her know I’m taking him away for a few days. She calls me back straight away.  
“Baz, I strongly hope you’ve managed to patch things up, Simon has been a total wreck for the past two days. He hasn’t slept, he hasn’t eaten, he has just been crying nonstop.”  
“I don’t know how we stand…I’m trying my best.”  
“You didn’t look too good either. You’re not planning on driving, are you?”  
“I’m fine, it’s just a couple of hours. Simon can sleep in the car.”  
I don’t really want to chat right now and Simon has just finished taking his shower, he’s probably getting dressed.  
“I’ll send you a text later. Thanks for being there for him,” I add.  
Simon comes out smelling nice and looking slightly better.  
“Can I borrow some of your clothes? I can spell these clean, but I’d rather just wear some fresh clothes.”  
“Sure, I have a pair of tracksuit bottoms that are too long for me.”  
It feels so awkward talking to him after I told him I love him and he didn’t even say if he’s reconsidering our break up. I feel raw, like I have opened up a vein and I’m still bleeding out in front of him.

**Simon**

This is probably the quickest shower Baz has ever taken since I know him. In and out in five minutes, he didn’t even complain about the fact that I use an all in one shower gel, no conditioner in sight. He comes out of the bathroom smelling like me, which is really unusual.  
He looks worn out, exhausted and thin. I don’t think he has fed in a while; I’ve learnt to tell the signs after spending so much time with him. He’s wearing one of my plain t-shirts and my grey tracksuit bottoms (which still manage to be too short on him).  
I hand him a new razor, because he’s looking at himself in the mirror with a grimace and I feel sorry for him. He does look dreadful, even worse than in America.  
What have I done to him?

**Baz**

Simon packs his bag quietly. I spell his wings and tail and we head out before Penelope and Shepard are back, I guess we both want to avoid having an unpleasant conversation packed with awkward silences and lack of answers.  
“Baz, where are you taking me?”  
“To Hampshire, is that ok?”  
“Hampshire? Has the magic come back?” he asks surprised.  
“No, it hasn’t. It’s not unpleasant to be there, though. You don’t get that horrible feeling you used to after the Humdrum took the magic, it now feels like a Quiet Zone. You just can’t do magic there, but otherwise it’s fine. My father has been a few times to check on the house.”  
“Is anyone living there?”  
“Yes, we have a few people keeping the house running, and Vera is there. I’ve sent her a text to let her know we’re going, so that she can get everything ready. She’s going to be the only one there, the others are taking a few days off.”  
I didn’t know what to write in the text.

‘Hi, Vera. I’m coming for a few days with my ~~boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, friend~~ Simon. Please get my room ready and a guest room.’ Just in case.

We take the tube and head to my place, I text Fiona to let her know I’m taking the car and I will keep her posted (otherwise she’ll start calling me and shouting at me on the phone). I have the car keys in my coat pocket and I just head for the car, without even going upstairs.  
“Wait, are you not packing a bag?”  
“No, it’s fine. I’ve got my old clothes there and they should still fit. I want to get there before it’s dark; we’re both tired. You can sleep in the car, if you want.”  
I don’t want him to meet Fiona, she would probably skin him alive.  
We get in the car and leave, the radio is off and Simon puts the window down; the wind ruffles his curls and he looks glorious, in spite of the fact that he also looks a wreck.  
“Why are you taking me to Hampshire? You can’t do magic.”  
“I don’t need magic to be with you. I just wanted to go somewhere quiet to talk and spend some time together.”  
I want to go back to where it all started, to where he kissed me for the first time and he asked me to be his terrible boyfriend. I want him to feel like that again, to feel like we can still work.  
And I want him to see that we can be together with or without magic. I have no clue if I’m going to function without it, but I am willing to give it a try to be with him.  
“Besides, I thought you would like a chance to fly one more time, before you get rid of your wings.”  
He turns to look at me and I don’t know what kind of expression he’s making, because unfortunately I have to keep my eyes on the road. I can hear his heart beating fast. Crowley, my stomach is still so empty that I feel like I’m going to pass out. Maybe driving was not a brilliant idea.  
“Baz, what are you plotting?”  
“Plotting?”  
“You have that expression you used to have back at Watford when you were thinking really hard about how to bring my demise.”  
“You do realise most of the time I was actually thinking about snogging you, right?” I smile, for the first time in days, probably a week.  
“Were you?!”  
“Simon, I spent years pining after you. I spent the whole summer after our fifth year wanking to the thought of you.”  
Maybe I should have not said that, but I’m feeling so exhausted, like a live wire, my filters and defences have all fallen down. I’ve been quiet about these things for so long and he has left me, so maybe I should start being more open and telling him how I feel.  
Snow is quiet for what feels like an eternity and I start deeply regretting my confession.  
“I had no idea…” he says softly after a while.

We stop at a service station for some food and eat it in silence; some people look at us in a funny way. If I look anything like Snow, we must be a sight.  
We get to Pitch Manor by five and Vera greets us at the door wearing her usual black dress and white apron. If she looks surprised at the fact that I randomly showed up after more than a year, wearing an oversized t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, she doesn’t show it. I strangely feel so vulnerable that I actually hug her, which makes her smile and gently stroke my cheek.  
“Vera, you remember Simon Snow.”  
“Mr Snow, it’s a pleasure to see you.”  
“Please just call me Simon,” he says with a tight smile that makes my heart clench in my chest.  
“I’ve prepared your room and the guest bedroom next to it, I will take your bag upstairs.”  
I cast a sidelong glance at Simon and he doesn’t even flinch at Vera mentioning the guest bedroom. I was hoping he would want to stay in my room, but I know he doesn’t want to be close to me.  
It’s fine, he’s here with me. I got him to agree to come here with me and it’s a start. I can work on it.  
“No need for it, Vera. We’ll do it.”  
“As you prefer, I will have dinner ready by seven, I have prepared all your favourites.”  
Snow quietly follows me through the labyrinth that is my childhood home and glances around looking like a lost puppy.  
“Do you want to take a nap before dinner? I need to go hunting.”  
Simon looks at me as we go up the stairs to my bedroom, an unreadable expression on his face.  
I suddenly decide to say something I hope I won’t regret. It’s a leap of faith, but I need to let go if I want him to allow me back into his life.  
“Unless you want to come with me…”  
I search his eyes for a reaction and he smiles at me, a true smile like I haven’t seen for ages.  
“Can I watch you hunt?”  
“Ok,” I swallow loudly.  
“And feed?” he adds with the glint of a challenge in his eyes.  
“If you desperately want to…but it won’t be pretty.”  
“I don’t care about pretty things.”  
I feel like I might pass out from the anxiety of Simon coming with me to watch me feed and the thirst is killing me. I could drain a whole deer.  
“Baz, can I sleep on the sofa in your bedroom? The guest bedroom was scary as hell last time.”  
I look at him and I feel like melting, I smile and nod, my throat is so tight I don’t think I can get any words out.  
He’s sleeping in my room.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hunting with Simon, confessions in the dark, a treasure hunt in Pitch Manor and Simon finds some interesting letters addressed to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the deer that gets harmed at the beginning of the chapter, I actually felt really sorry for it (I even gave it a name, poor Bernard).

_Stay with me, even though it will hurt._

_The thought of you will take me,_

_It will drag me into knots of desire._

Malika Ayane, “Grovigli” (Knots)

**Baz**

Hunting without magic is not as easy as I thought it would be. Snow follows me through the woods quietly; his wings are still invisible and the spell should last until after dinner at least. I still need to figure out what to tell Vera about them when they appear. I can’t even erase her memory, so that might be a problem.  
“Baz, I think I saw something moving over there,” whispers Snow.  
I got so distracted that I didn’t even notice the deer hiding behind the tree in the distance. Since I can’t spell it still, I have to rely on my vampire strength and speed. I nod at Snow and then I run as fast as I can towards the deer, catching it before it realises I’m behind it, then I snap its neck as it starts fighting.  
“Wow,” says Snow appearing behind me, “how do you manage to look so cool when you’re running after a deer? I’m sweating like crazy.”  
“I think you’ll need to take another shower before dinner. Vera won’t be impressed with you if you turn up like that at the dinner table.”  
I’m dillydallying because I don’t want him to see me feed; I’m scared he will find it disgusting or terrifying. I’m scared he will never want to kiss me again.  
“Come on Baz, go for it!”

**Simon**

That was fucking epic!

**Baz**

I finally feel alive again (as alive as I can be), my stomach is full and I even manage to blush when my hand brushes against his on our way back inside. He looks at me and the shadow of a smile appears on his lips.  
“Thanks for letting me come with you.”  
Maybe I was wrong again.

**Simon**

I think I want to kidnap Vera and take her home with me. Dinner is absolutely amazing and she cooked so much food that I feel free to stuff my face. I haven’t had a proper meal in two days; I needed this.  
Maybe coming to Hampshire was not such a bad idea. I also got to see Baz hunt and drain a deer. He looked so cool.

**Baz**

After dinner we go to my room and get ready for bed. Simon’s wings and tail appear and they will have to stay visible until we leave, since there’s no magic here. He wears a t-shirt and dark blue tracksuit bottoms and I put my silk pyjamas on (the ones I wore when he came here for Christmas, because I’m a sentimental idiot).

**Simon**

I lie down on the sofa and Baz turns the light off. I can hear him moving around in bed. It's been ages since we’ve slept in the same room, just the two of us. But it’s something we’ve done for years, so it almost feels like slipping into an old routine.  
I want to talk to him, ask him about what he said before we left for Hampshire, but I’m too scared he’ll say something that will make me want to run. Or that I will say something I might regret.

Baz said he’s in love with me...

**Baz**

I’m absolutely knackered and I think Simon’s the same; we have barely slept in the past couple of days and I feel like I have been chewed and spat out.  
“I feel really tired, but I can’t sleep. Is it the same for you?” Simon asks in the dark.  
“Yes, I think it’s the nerves.”  
“I feel like I’ve been through a tumble drier. Maybe we should talk a bit; it might make us sleepy,” he suggests tentatively, his voice sounds soft and insecure.  
“Yes, that would be nice.”  
There’s silence for a while and I wonder if he has fallen asleep, but his breathing is faster than normal and I can hear his heart beating loudly.  
“It was nice going out with you earlier,” he says, as if I have taken him to a fancy date, instead of hunting in the woods.  
“I hope it wasn’t a traumatic experience.”  
He starts chuckling and I can hear him turning towards me; his wings make a lot of noise as he adjusts his position.  
“Nothing can be more traumatic than seeing Shepard eat beans on toast.”  
“Crowley, that was an experience I didn’t want to have.”  
I turn towards him and I can see him in the dark, he’s looking in my direction but I don’t think he can see me, the room is pretty dark.  
“Baz…”  
“Yes?”  
“What you said earlier…” I wait for him to continue, but he doesn’t.  
“I’ve said a lot of things, could you be more specific?” I ask trying not to sound too snarky. He clears his voice and exhales loudly.  
“About how you felt at Watford,” he mutters.  
“You mean the fact that I’ve been in love with you since when we were in school or are you referring to the fifth year wank summer?” I ask trying to sound casual. I’m actually terrified of this conversation, but deep down I am glad Simon wants to talk about it.  
“Well…both, kind of…I mean, I don’t understand. When I came here for Christmas, you said you had wanted me for a long time...”  
“Yes, I remember that.”  
“I thought you meant for a couple of months.”  
“Oh” I clearly didn’t get my point across; I’m really crap at this.  
I am the terrible boyfriend.  
“No, I meant years. I realised my feelings in fifth year, but I have always wanted you, probably since the day I first met you.”  
I can nearly hear him thinking in the dark; he’s silent for what feels like ages and then he speaks so softly that I would probably miss it, if I didn’t have vampire hearing.  
“I don’t believe you. We were so horrible to each other.”  
“I know I was a dick to you and at the beginning you were just trying to be friends with me,” I close my eyes because if I look at him, the courage to continue will leave me, “I’m not trying to make excuses, but you have to understand that I was brought up to hate the Mage; all I had heard about him growing up was that he was the enemy and unfortunately you were included in the equation by extension. I tried really hard to hate you, like I was supposed to. But I simply couldn’t. I just…fell in love with you.”  
I pause for a minute, to give him time to digest what I have said.  
“It was hard, loving you and knowing we were supposed to kill each other. By the end of it, I was just hoping that you would finish me off, because I couldn’t possibly have killed you. But I still had to pretend; I had to be a dick to you.”  
“I’m not that person anymore though,” he whispers.  
I open my eyes and look at him lying down, his hand is tugging at his curls and his tail is moving under his light blanket.  
“No, you’re not. You have changed and so have I.”  
I wait for him to say something, but he just closes his eyes and I can see tears streaming down his face. I just want to go to him and hold him in my arms.  
“Simon…I know you have changed, but my feelings haven’t.”  
“How is that possible? I’m not the same person. I’ve lost my magic.”  
“Magic doesn’t matter, I love you because you’re you: a courageous fuck who would spend the day eating scones and who would give up his life to help the people he loves.”  
“I don’t look the same either, I’ve put on weight and I have wings and a ridiculous tail…”  
Oh…I never thought Simon would feel self-conscious about his appearance.  
“Thank Merlin you’ve put on weight, you were famished back in school. Every year in September you made me worry so much, you looked like you had been starving for the whole summer.”  
“Well, it’s not like the food in care homes is like Vera’s, you know?”  
Sometimes I think about what he has gone through in those places, but he never wants to talk about it, so I never ask.  
But right now, I have to worry about him not feeling wanted. I can’t have him thinking that I'm not attracted to him. Crowley, if only he knew how much I want him.  
“Simon, I love your wings. And I also love your tail, I like it when it coils around me,” I confess, feeling exposed. Was the admission about the tail too weird?  
“You can’t possibly be serious.”  
“Simon, I swear. Do you want to know something supremely weird and embarrassing?”  
“Go on.”  
“I think it’s quite hot when you grab my wrist with your tail. I also wish I could touch your wings a bit more, maybe find out if you like it too.”  
I can hear his breathing become faster and his eyes open wide in the dark, his eyebrows furrowed.  
“Simon, I always want you.”  
“Baz…I appreciate that you’re trying to be honest with me, but…”  
Oh shit, I don’t like the sound of that ‘but’.  
“I…when I think about you touching me…I get scared. I get terrified sometimes. It’s ok if I touch you, but when you do it, I feel like running away.”

**Simon**

There you go, I’ve finally managed to say it.  
My therapist – back when I had one – told me several times that I had to be honest with Baz and tell him what I liked and what I didn’t like. That it was important to be honest in a relationship.  
I didn’t really pay attention to that, at the time we were still snogging like there was no tomorrow, so it didn’t cross my mind that I would get stuck in this emotional swamp.  
But she was right; Baz has been trying his best to tell me how he feels. He has always been really quiet about his feelings and that might be why I struggle to believe him when he says that he loves me.  
I owe it to him to be honest about how I feel.  
Even though I’ve probably hurt him.  
He’s quiet and I wish I could see his face, he can probably see mine in the dark, which is so infuriating.  
“Baz?”  
“I’m sorry Snow, good night.”  
He didn’t call me Simon this time.

**Baz**

I wake up and it must be late morning, the light is filtering through my thick curtains and it hurts my sensitive eyes. I turn and I nearly jump when I realise that Snow is sitting at the foot of my bed, staring at me.  
“Morning, Baz”  
“Good morning... what time is it?”  
“It’s nearly ten o'clock, I woke up an hour ago and I was starving, so I went downstairs and had breakfast with Vera.”  
The statement takes a few minutes to sink in, my brain is still half asleep.  
“Wait, what did you tell her about your wings and tail?” I ask worried, getting up.  
“I told her they’re mechanical, that I'm working on a project for fake wings and I need to wear them during the day to trial them out.”  
“Did she believe you?” I ask surprised.  
“Looked like it. I was too busy eating the cake she’s made to care, to be honest with you. You should get up and have some too, it’s delicious,” he says standing up.  
I get out of bed and head to the bathroom for my morning washing routine, Simon gets changed in the meantime and I give him Fiona’s old Game Boy to keep him company in my absence (he looks like a child on Christmas day when I hand it to him. I think I’ll have to steal it and take it home with us).  
As I step into the shower, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. It took me ages to fall asleep last night after Simon’s confession.  
I waited for his breathing to become more regular and as soon as he was asleep, I let myself cry quietly. Because there’s no way we can get back together if Simon doesn’t even want me to touch him. He said he feels like running away when I do and it honestly breaks my heart.  
I scare him with how much I want him.

“Baz, is it ok if I go flying while you have breakfast?” he asks sheepishly when I go back to my room.  
“Sure, that’s one of the reasons why we came here.”  
The other one being to try to get him to reconsider the break-up, but I guess that’s not going to happen.  
I avoid his eyes as we head downstairs, he seems in a good mood (is it because of the cake?) and I leave him in the garden before going to the kitchen.  
Vera is busy doing the washing up and she greets me with a smile.  
“I’ll make you a cup of tea, Mr. Pitch.”  
“Vera, please call me by my first name, my father’s not here.”  
“Very well, Basilton. Cake’s on the table, Simon rather liked it.”  
“Yes, he told me.”  
“He has really interesting wings, I wonder how he made them, he must be a really good engineer.”  
If only she knew…  
“He was in a good mood this morning, he told me you two had a chat yesterday evening.”  
How on earth did our chat put him in a good mood? I feel like crying my eyes out just thinking about it.  
“Can I be blunt, Basilton?”  
“Go for it,” I’ve got nothing left to lose.  
“Your step-mother told me Simon was your boyfriend and when you got here yesterday, you both looked rather upset and like something was terribly wrong. But when I spoke to him this morning, he said he was glad he managed to tell you something that has been weighing on his conscience for a while. I guess it was not something pleasant though, judging from your face.”  
I cut myself a slice of cake and take the steaming cup of tea she offers me (Empress Grey, my favourite).  
Vera has seen me growing up, she was my nanny and a lot more than that when I lost my mother, she can read me like an open book.  
“Simon broke up with me. I took him here to try to patch things up. I’m not sure I’m doing a good job at it though,” I manage to confess.  
Vera dries her hand on a towel and puts it on my shoulder, patting me lightly.  
“Don’t you worry, Basilton. Everything will be ok.”  
I wish I could believe her.  
When she turns, I put some cake in my mouth (and it’s divine, Simon was right) and I suddenly have an idea.  
“Vera, do you have a recipe for sour cherry scones?”  
“Funny you should ask that, I was thinking about them the other day. Your mother used to love them; she gave me her school’s recipe years ago and we made them together. You were just a little puff and made a whole mess with the flour. I wonder where I’ve put it. I think it’s in your mother’s old recipe book.”  
“If I manage to find it, could you please make some for Simon? They’re his favourite.”  
“Of course, Basilton.”

Simon comes back looking glorious, with rosy cheeks and a thrilled grin on his face, I’m waiting for him in the garden, a book in my hands (I have read the same line probably a hundred times) and he lands on the lawn.  
I stand up and he runs towards me, looking like an excited puppy.  
“Baz, that was brilliant! We should have done it sooner, the weather was perfect and I even saw some geese flying next to me!” he gets closer and grabs my elbow, then he kisses me softly on the cheek.  
“Thanks for taking me here.”  
“You’re welcome,” I manage to mumble.  
“What shall we do now?”  
I’m speechless and I can’t help but put my fingers where his lips have touched my cheek.  
Maybe not everything is lost.  
“Well, how about a little treasure hunt?”  
“Sounds interesting.”  
“Since I’m here, I would like to look for some of my mother’s things. She was not the tidiest of people and her possessions are scattered around the house,” I explain. “Some of the rooms would normally be locked with magic. My father used to put strong spells on the rooms he didn’t want us to enter, but everything is unlocked now, since there’s no magic. Would you like to help me?”  
He grins, as if I invited him on one of the old adventures he used to have with Penelope.

We start from the rooms in the upper floor.  
“What exactly are we looking for?”  
“I’ll make a list for you, for now I would like to find some of her scarves, her recipe book and her engagement ring. If we manage to find her old school photos too, it would be great.”  
“I’m on it. Shall I start with this room?” he asks pointing at a room to his right with a red wooden door.  
“No, that’s my old storage room. I doubt there’s anything in there.”  
“You have a storage room for yourself?” he asks incredulous.  
“Yes, I keep my childhood toys, photos, books and school things that I don’t need anymore. Mementos, shall we say.”  
“Sometimes you sound like a posh twat, you know?” he says with a grin, elbowing me.  
“I’m just tidy and organised,” I huff, pretending to be offended.  
“I’ll start from my auntie’s old room; you start on that storage room with a green door. You might find somethings interesting.

**Simon**

This room is full of posh crap, just funny clothes and a lot of hats (seriously, why do rich people have to wear huge hats with feathers and whatnot?).  
I get out and before calling Baz, I decide to have a look at his old storage room; maybe I’ll find something there.  
Unsurprisingly, everything is organised in neat piles and every single box is clearly labelled, this is going to make my job easier.  
My attention is caught by a read trunk tucked in a corner with the word “ _Snow_ ” written on it.  
I open it and it’s full of neatly packed letters, there must be hundreds of them. They’re all in white, yellow or light blue envelopes and they’re all addressed to me in Baz’s neat and elegant handwriting. They seem to be divided in chronological order, I grab one and open it.

_‘Dear Snow,_

_What the fuck?! What possessed you into punching me?? My nose is ruined now and it’s all your fault!’_

I stifle a laugh; this is going to be interesting.  
I grab one from another pile.

_‘Dear Simon,_

_I love you so much I feel like it’s burning me from the inside (vampire joke)._

_You’ve just fallen asleep and I am watching you, looking so peaceful and lovely. I would love to reach out and touch your curls, I wonder if they are as soft as they look. Then I would kiss you on the forehead, wish you sweet dreams and hold you in my arms._

_I would kiss every single one of your moles, I know them all by heart. I spend hours awake thinking about the ones I cannot see and that are probably scattered around your skin, like a lost constellation._

_I love you._

_I love you with all my undead heart._

_I love you so much it hurts._

_Sweet dreams, my love.’_

**Baz**

The door opens with a loud bang and I jump as Simon runs in with flushed cheeks.  
“Baz, what are these?”  
He’s holding some of my letters.  
Shit.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon reads Baz’s letters, Baz is terrified of the consequences, Vera makes sandwiches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for depressing letters (but nothing more depressing than canon Baz) and mention of blood and suicide. Also one steamy love letter ahead, I changed the rating to “explicit” because I’m not sure if I’ve crossed that fine line and I didn’t want to upset anyone.  
> Thanks for all the lovely people who are still reading and for those who are leaving kudos and reviews.

**Baz**

“Baz, what are these?”  
He’s holding some of my letters.  
Shit.  
“Snow, I told you not to go into my storage room, that’s my stuff!” I shout, in panic and anger.  
“That trunk had my name on it!” he says looking upset.  
“Yes, but they’re my letters, I wrote them to you, but I never delivered them.”  
“What?! There must be hundreds of them!”  
“Well, I spent years writing them. Give them back,” I hold my hand out, trying not to lose my cool (too late for that, I guess).  
“No, they’re addressed to me, so they’re mine.”  
“Snow, stop being unreasonable and give me back those fucking letters. You were never supposed to read them.”  
“Why did you write them then? Why did you keep them?”  
I hesitate for a moment, he was not supposed to find them, they’re one of my darkest secrets, they were tucked in a corner, protected by layer upon layer of spells that would make it impossible for anyone to find them. But of course he did find them, because he sucked all the magic out of this place.  
“I wrote them over the years, when my feelings for you became too much,” I simply state closing my eyes. His gaze is burning me and I can’t stand it anymore.  
Why the fuck is my life such a mess?  
If I had my wand on me, I would summon all the letters and burn them all, I can’t have him reading my secrets and my most embarrassing thoughts.  
“Baz, you wrote them for me, I read some of them. I want to read all of them,” he adds softly.  
My eyes snap open and I look at him with a panicked expression.  
“Absolutely not!”  
“Baz, I’m going to read them. I don’t mean to make you angry or to upset you, but I need to know what they say. You wrote them for me, I was meant to have them,” he says with a desperate glint in his eyes, “please.”  
I hold his gaze for a few minutes and then I give up.  
What have I got to lose, anyway? He has already broken my heart into a million pieces, what’s more wreckage going to do?  
“You’re going to regret reading them, there’s some stuff you definitely won’t like.”  
“Let me decide.”  
“As you please.”

**Simon**

I spread the neat piles of letters on the floor, after moving stuff around to make space. They have been organised in chronological order, but there are so many of them that I decide to read from different piles, the first few letters are all quite short and angry, there’s no date on them, but I assume Baz wrote them when we were in our first or second year.

_Dear Snow,_

_Would it kill you to close your fucking mouth when you chew? It’s disgusting and your lack of manners is a source of infinite pain for me. Has anyone ever taught you how not to look like a bloody cow?_

I can’t help but smile at these early outbursts of anger, I can picture a younger Baz getting frustrated at me for these silly things.  
I pick another letter from the middle section.

_Dear Snow,_

_Did you know that sour cherry scones were also my mother’s favourite? She loved them so much that she spoke about them in her leaver’s speech._

_I still remember that when I was little we made them together, it was a summer afternoon and we were in our kitchen in Hampshire. She called me “little puff” and made me stand on a stool and play with the flour._

_I miss her, even though I can’t remember much about her, I was only five when she was killed._

_Anyway, I was looking at you stuffing your face with scones this morning at breakfast and you looked so gorgeous and full of life._

_You’re always so full of life, you’ve got my share of it._

_If we were living another life, I would take you home with me and make sour cherry scones in my kitchen._

_Instead this morning I managed to sneer at you and tell you to shut your mouth and that you’re a bloody savage._

_Merlin, I’m such a disgrace._

_I love you, I wish I could tell you._

I grab another letter and I keep on reading.

_Dear Simon,_

_I hate the summer holidays, we’re apart for way too long and I hate not knowing where you are or what you’re doing._

_Are you playing happy couple with Wellbelove (if you are, fuck you), are you two having sex?_

_Or are you on one of those stupidly dangerous missions the fucking Mage keeps on sending you to? Sometimes I lie awake at night for hours, worried sick about what kind of danger you could be facing._

_I hate that I can’t even cast **safe and sound** on you whilst you’re sleeping, as I normally do in our room. _

_Are you eating enough? You’re going to turn up in September looking famished and I will spend the first weeks wondering angrily why they didn’t feed you enough, who the fuck was treating you like that._

_I miss your smile, even though it’s never directed at me._

_I miss every single one of your freckles and all your moles, I know them all by heart (you have three on your right cheek, two below your left ear and one over your left eye)._

_I miss you._

**Baz**

I keep myself busy looking through piles and piles of stuff, searching for my mother’s scarves, for her engagement ring and her photos. I want to find the recipe book, so that Vera can make Simon sour cherry scones, before he decides to leave.  
There’s no way he’s going to stay here after reading those letters. I can’t remember most of them, I don’t tend to re-read what I write, but I know some of them are pretty fucked up.  
I’m pretty sure I wrote a long letter of insults when he kept on following me around in fifth year.  
Some letters were so personal, I’ve basically laid bare my heart for him to read.  
And some other letters were definitely steamy.  
I feel the anxiety making my breathing more difficult, I close my eyes and try to inhale through my nose and slowly exhale through my mouth.  
He’s not going to like those. If he can’t even stand me touching him, he’s going to have a panic attack when he finds out how much I want him.  
It scares me, I can’t even image what kind of effect it will have on him.

**Simon**

_Dear Snow,_

_Niall has just casually told me that you and Wellbelove are now a couple._

_Not that I had any doubt about your heterosexuality, but fuck off anyway._

_Fuck all the way off to hell and stay there!_

_You and your stupid bronze curls and sun blushed skin._

_FUCK OFF!!!_

_I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!_

_Dear Simon,_

_I can’t believe you accepter my offer for a truce to help me find out who killed my mother._

_I’m sitting in the library, pretending to work on my political science essay, but all I can think about is the feeling of your hand in mine, how warm it was. You tried to yank it away when I first grabbed it, but I held on to you._

_I missed my mother’s visiting, all because someone stuck me in a fucking coffin for six weeks. It breaks my undead heart that I missed the only chance I will ever have to see her. But it’s probably for the best, if she had found out what kind of monster I have become, her message would have been to kill myself with fire. And I don’t think I would have been able to survive that._

_Instead she came to you, I am happy she did, she got to kiss your temple, like I've always dreamed about._

_At least my mother got to do it._

_Dear Snow,_

_The smell of your blood is so intoxicating that I nearly bit you today. You’re a fucking idiot and you got a nosebleed, running into Gareth in the corridors. You keep on saying you think I’m a vampire and yet the first thing you decided to do was run into our room with a fucking nosebleed._

_Are you out of your bloody mind?_

_It took all of the strength I had not to jump at your throat and bite you. I would have pinned you to the wall and then licked all the blood off your face. You would have looked at me in disgust and then I would have kissed you so hard that your head would have hit the wall. And then I would have sunk my fangs right into your Adam’s apple, it’s so ridiculous and tempting._

_You always smell like the most delicious thing in the world, I’d love to drink your blood._

_But then I’d have to kill myself, because I wouldn’t be able to face living without you._

_So please stop being a moron!_

**Baz**

It’s already half past one and Snow hasn’t even appeared in the kitchen to have some lunch. I’ve been waiting here for ages, torn between the anxiety of seeing him and the hope that he would turn up. Well, he hasn’t and I’m too terrified to go into my storage room to check on him.  
“Vera, could you please bring some sandwiches and a bottle of water to Simon? He’s in my storage room upstairs.”  
“Of course.”  
“Could you please also tell him that dinner will be served at seven?”

**Simon**

_Dear Simon,_

_I’ve been at home for the Christmas holidays and I really miss you. I’m coming back tomorrow and I can’t wait to see you (I bet the feeling is not mutual)._

_I thought the time was right to tell my father that I’m gay. I’ve been pondering about my coming out for months, but I just couldn’t keep it a secret anymore, he started talking about setting me up with some young lady from the club and I just lost it._

_It was not traumatic or anything, he simply said “Basilton, one’s inclinations should not stand in the way of family business and succession. You are the heir of the house of Pitch and as so, you need to take responsibility.” Which translated into Snow-accessible language would probably sound like: “Baz, I don’t give a shit if you’re gay, you need to marry a woman and have babies.”_

_Can vampires even have babies? I strongly doubt that. Merlin, that would be a nightmare._

_Who cares, I don’t want to marry a girl._

_The only person I’ve ever wanted is you._

_So my father doesn’t want me to be gay, he also doesn’t want me to be a vampire and if he found out that I’m in love with you, he would probably kick me out._

_My life’s a fucking mess, I’m a colossal disappointment to everyone, myself included._

_Sorry the ink is all smudged, I may have cried whilst writing this._

_I’m so fucked up, no wonder you hate me._

_Dear Simon,_

_I just woke up in your arms, you were still asleep and your breath was tickling my neck, I think my hair was in your face, but you didn’t seem to mind. I got up and sat next to you, staring at you while you slept. There’s a peaceful expression on your face and you look absolutely beautiful._

_You kissed me yesterday._

_I was about to kill myself with fire and you kissed me instead._

_Words cannot describe how that made me feel, my wildest fantasy coming to life._

_I was about to kiss you, you know? I was going to kiss you and then die, but you somehow decided to beat me to it._

_You did it even though you found out that I'm a vampire._

_I can’t believe we spent the night kissing, my mouth still feels sore, but I would press my lips to yours right now if I could._

_I called you Simon and you said you liked it. I want to call you Simon again, I love your name. I made fun of it before, I upset you because I'm an idiot, but the truth is that I have always liked the sound of your name._

_My undead heart is so full of love for you that I think it might burst. I don’t know how to face you this morning. Are you going to change your mind and realise it was all a mistake? Are you going to punch me in the face and then leave? Or are you going to kiss me again?_

_Is there any chance that you might wake up and say: “good morning, darling?”, smiling at me like I’m not your sworn enemy and a monster?_

_I hope I get to call you Simon again._

**Baz**

I can’t face this anymore; I’m going to break something or start screaming any time soon. Snow has been buried in that fucking room for hours, it’s dinner time and he still hasn’t appeared. What the actual fuck, he hasn’t read for this long in his entire life, I bet!  
When he said he wanted to read all the letters, I didn’t think he meant in one sitting. He’s going to be stuck in there for a week, I wrote a bloody eighteenth century memoir.  
I am tempted several times to just barge in, steal the letters and throw them all out of the window, but I don’t want to make him even more disappointed in me than he already is.  
I keep on wondering which letters he has read. Is he going in chronological order? I strongly hope he’s not messed up the order, they’re not dated and it would take me ages to put them back in piles by year.  
I decide to go upstairs and check on him. The door is open and I tiptoe as quietly as I can, I don’t want him to see me sneaking in like a burglar. He has his back to me, all the letters are scattered on the floor and he’s reading one holding it tight in both of his hands. I can hear his heart beating fast in his chest.  
Is he angry? Scared? Upset?  
I leave before he can turn and see me.

**Simon**

_Dear Simon,_

_I want you so badly I feel like I’m going insane._

_I caught a glimpse of your bare chest when I walked into our room, you were just getting changed and you had flushed cheeks and dishevelled hair._

_You left soon after, saying that you were going on a mission with the Mage, so I lied on my bed and decided to indulge myself with a nice wank while thinking about you._

_I would do all sorts of delectable things to you, if only you allowed me to._

_I would brush your curls off your forehead and then I would slide my fingers through them, bringing you close to me. I would make you wait before kissing you, making you reach for my lips. I would wait for your mouth to open and then I would explore it with my tongue, making you catch your breath and reach for my clothes._

_I would push you onto the bed and slowly, oh so slowly, undress you and explore your body with my fingers, touching you ever so lightly and you would get goosepimples on your freckled skin. I would leave butterfly kisses all over your chest as I make my way down, stopping just right before I can touch you where you’re begging me to touch._

_You would be so hard by then, begging me to take you into my mouth. I would give your dick one long stroke, to make you moan out loud and then I would flatten my tongue against it and give it a slow lick. You would sink your fingers into my hair, pulling at it and you would be looking at me with desperate blue eyes, full of love and desire. I would finally put all of your dick into my mouth and I would start stroking you with one hand as I suck you off, moaning because I would be as hard and desperate for you._

_You would be on the verge of coming and I would stop, looking at you and then I would beg you to fuck me._

_I want you to fuck me deep and hard, I want to feel sore the day after and remember that you were inside me and made me come undone. I want you to come inside me while you’re calling my name, moaning and whimpering as you lose yourself in me._

_I want you so much I am going insane._

**Baz**

Snow doesn’t come to dinner either, I ask Vera to bring him some food and then I make my way to my bedroom. I don’t know what to expect, is he going to sleep in there? Is he going to come back, pack his stuff and then leave? I would offer to take him home, of course, but it would be quite an awkward ride.  
I was secretly hoping that we could stay friends (well, as friendly as Snow and I could be) and then maybe I would try to gain his trust again and win him back. I doubt he will ever want to speak to me again after reading those letters.  
My room is freezing, it’s quite cold for a summer evening. I turn the bedside lamp on and sit on the bed. I feel chilled to the bone in spite of the blood in my belly and the fact that I’m huddled up under a thick blanket. I decide to start a fire, but I’ve never actually done it without magic and I end up struggling more than I expected to.  
When is Simon coming back?

**Simon**

_Dear Simon,_

_I’m back at Watford in our room. You have defeated the Humdrum, but you’ve lost all your magic and you didn’t want to come back._

_I didn’t want to leave you with Bunce, you were looking so lost and your eyes were empty and sad. I wanted to stay there with you, hold your hand and kiss you until you forgot that a part of you is missing, that you have given up all of your magic to save us._

_I love you so much, you courageous fuck. I love you more than I did before, if that was even possible. I love how you clung to me and didn’t want to let go, I love how you didn’t have any words left in you, but you still carried on. I love how selfless and brave you are._

_I miss you so much, it hurts to be here without you._

_I’ve never told you, but our room has always felt like my real home. But only because you were there with me. I feel like I’ve lost half of my heart (the living part) and now I’m alone in our room, that somehow still smells like you._

_I haven’t touched anything, it’s all as you left it when you decided to come to Hampshire to tell me about Nicodemus. I simply can’t face moving your things, I will leave everything as it is and pretend that you’re still here with me._

_I miss you, my love._

**Baz**

I’m such a disaster, I can’t even light a fire without magic, I had to ask Vera to come and help me (how absolutely and utterly embarrassing).  
I’m such a mess…  
But this time I’m not going to cry when he tells me he wants to leave. I’m not going to make a fool of myself like last time, I need to preserve what little dignity I have left.

**Simon**

I open the door to Baz’s bedroom and he’s sitting on the floor in front of the fire.  
When he turns and sees me his eyes open wide and all I can see in them is fear and worry. His hands start trembling and his mouth opens to say something that dies in his throat.

**Baz**

Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t fucking cry.

**Simon**

I close the distance between us and I sit on the floor next to him, he looks so beautiful and scared, his grey eyes are a pool of sadness and I want to kick myself because it’s all my fault.  
Then I lean towards him and I cup his cheek with my hand as I kiss him slowly, I want this to be the softest and most tender kiss we’ve ever shared. I want him to understand how much I love him, because I don’t think I can say it with words, but I still want him to know.  
He opens his mouth immediately and a sob escapes as he gets closer to me and kisses me back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I was supposed to post yesterday, but I’m drowning in work.  
> I hope I didn’t overdo it with the letters, I tried not to make them too long but I quite enjoyed writing them. Next chapter should be up soon (hopefully I’ll get some time to write it at the weekend).


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz freaks out, Simon reads more letters, there’s a surprise gift from Shepard, Baz and Simon finally talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is not what I originally had in mind (I even wrote a nice outline before starting, I don’t know what happened).

**Baz**

Simon is kissing me.

What does that mean? He’s being so tender, is this his way of breaking up with me (again) in a gentle way?

I don’t know where to put my hands, I’m absolutely dying to touch him, but I don’t know if I should. I want him to keep on kissing me, but I don’t want to scare him.

What if this is our last kiss?

**Simon**

Baz is making these soft little sounds with his mouth and tears are still running down his face, I deepen the kiss and he lets out a moan. I can feel his fingers trembling next to my legs, then a sob escapes his mouth, so I cup both of his cheeks with my hands. 

“Hey, are you ok?” I ask, resting my forehead on his.

He shakes his head ever so slightly and closes his eyes.

“I don’t want you to go,” he whispers.

“Go…where?” I ask confused.

“Go home. I don’t want you to leave me again, I’m so sorry about the letters. I should have burnt them all at the end of school.”

“What?!”

God, he’s such a mess. He was right, we definitely match.

“Baz, open your eyes and look at me,” I ask softly.

He shakes his head and I sigh, kissing his forehead.

“You got it all wrong, you idiot. I’m not planning on leaving. Why would I be kissing you otherwise?”

His beautiful grey eyes open and he looks at me, a glint of hope shining in them.

“You’re not leaving me again?”

“No, why would I?”

“Because of the letters, they probably scared you to death,” he says.

“Baz, you’re such a mess.”

“I know, that’s why I didn’t want you to read them!”

I take advantage of his confusion to gently push him onto the floor and straddle him, bringing our lips back together, where they belong. Baz makes a muffled sound and breaks the kiss.

“Simon, I’m really confused.”

“Baz, just shut up and let me kiss you. You know I’m shit with words, I think it’s better if I just act.”

He cocks his head and stares at me, then whispers: “may I put my hands on your shoulders?”

I think he’s scared of touching me, he looks like he’s about to fall apart and it’s all my fault. Baz has always been so confident and now he looks like he might break into a million pieces if I just say the wrong thing.

I’m such an idiot.

“Of course you can, you don’t need to ask,” I say as I bring our lips back together and he lets out a sigh, sliding his fingers through my hair and opening his mouth for me.

**Baz**

I wake up feeling nice and warm, it must be early or the sky must be cloudy, because the room is still quite dark. I look at my alarm clock and it’s half past seven.

Simon’s arms are around my chest and his hair is tickling my neck, I can feel his soft breath against my skin and his warmth across all of my body.

Last night we kissed for hours, it was like the most amazing déjà vu of the second night he spent here, right before Christmas. I don’t know what to make of it, he didn’t want to say anything about the letters and just kept on kissing me until we were both hard and out of breath. Then he simply looked at me, blushed really hard and said that it was time to go to bed.

He said he had to take a shower first and he was away for quite a while (I wonder if he took care of his erection…). I put my pyjamas on and tried to calm down in bed. I didn’t know if he was going to sleep on the sofa and I didn’t want to make it awkward for him.

When he got back, he stared at me for a few seconds, pulling at his curls looking hesitant and anxious. He then sighed and climbed onto the sofa, rolled around for a few minutes sighing loudly and then got up again and joined me on the bed.

“Can I sleep here?” he simply asked.

“Of course you can,” I said softly. I wanted to add “love”, but I still didn’t know if it was fine.

We fell asleep holding hands, it was so lovely I thought I was going to melt. I missed holding his hand so much.

I can feel Simon shifting behind me, I think he’s awake because I can feel his smile against my skin.

“Morning,” he says with a hoarse voice.

“Hey,” I say not daring to move. He snuggles in closer and kisses my shoulder.

“If you turn, we can kiss, you know?” he says.

“I have morning breath, I need to brush my teeth,” I say, because I’m stupid.

Simon chuckles and says he doesn’t mind.

I still don’t move.

“Snow…”

“Baz, can you please just call me Simon? I know you’d like to.”

I feel a surge of panic rising, how much does he know about my feelings now? How many of my deepest thoughts has he discovered? I can’t even remember half of those letters; I’ve probably embarrassed myself until the point of no return.

“Baz, what’s wrong?”

“I…I don’t know what you’re thinking. Have you read all of them?”

“No, I’ve still got some left that I’m going to finish today. Why are you so worried? You’ve gone all tense.”

I sit up and look at him, he’s so gorgeous and perfect, he’s right in my bed where I’ve always wanted him and yet I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.

“Because I don’t know what you’ve read and I keep on worrying about what I could have written and the kind of effect it might have on you. There’s some pretty fucked up stuff in there and I know you’ll find it disturbing.”

He sits up too and looks at me with a blank expression.

“If you’re referring to you wanting to drink my blood, I’m ok with it. I mean, it’s not exactly a surprise.”

I cover my face with my hands and groan.

“How can you possibly be ok with that? I’m a monster, I want to drink my boyfriend’s blood, for Crowley’s sake!”

Shit, I’ve said ‘boyfriend’ and I don’t even know how we stand…

“Baz, I know you would never hurt me, I trust you,” he simply says putting his hand on my shoulder.

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because I know you and you’re not a monster.”

I don’t think I believe that.

**Simon**

Baz is having a meltdown and I’m not sure why.

He seems to be terrified of me reading his letters, when actually they have opened my eyes to how he feels about me (I got quite upset and a bit angry yesterday, thinking about all the times I completely misunderstood him and what he must have gone through while we were at Watford).

I thought I had managed to make him understand that I love him yesterday evening, I guess he needs more convincing.

“Baz, stop worrying about the letters.”

“That’s easy for you to say, you’re not the one whose heart is being dissected and laid out like an open book! And I doubt you have a box full of letters for me to read, so I have no fucking clue what your feelings are, but now you know everything about mine! Besides, if we even had your letters, all they would say is that you hated me and that you thought I was a monster.”

**Baz**

That was a low blow, but I’m just freaking out and he looks so calm and I have no idea what he’s thinking, because he won’t tell me anything.

“Baz…”

I think I’m about to hyperventilate and it’s just 8 o’clock in the morning.

Simon holds my hand and squeezes it, his other hand gently cups my cheek and he looks at me straight in the eyes.

“It’s just me, Baz. Take a deep breath.”

I inhale and exhale, I close my eyes and try to breath. I focus on just breathing.

Simon doesn’t leave my hand.

**Simon**

Baz calms down and he takes a shower, I wait outside of the bathroom door because I’m afraid he might panic again and faint or something.

When he eventually emerges, he smells amazing and looks stunning, his hair falling in gentle waves around his face. We make our way to the kitchen and have breakfast in silence. Vera looks at us with a funny expression on her face, she smiles when I catch her eyes and I have no clue if she knows what’s going on between us.

I’m not sure I know either, I thought I had made it clear that I love him.

**Baz**

I want to tell him not to read the letters he has left, but at the same time I just want him to be done with them and then make a big bonfire.

“I’m going to continue looking for my mother’s things. I’ll be in the library if you need me,” I say trying to keep my cool.

Simon nods and squeezes my hand again.

“I can come with you, if you want,” he says.

“It’s ok, you finish what you started.”

I spend the morning rummaging through sections of the library that I don’t normally use, trying to keep my mind busy looking for my mother’s recipe book and for her photo albums. I manage to find some pictures of me as a toddler and my parents’ wedding photos (the dreadful fashion style makes me cringe, but they look so sweet and I’ve never seen my father with such a happy smile on his face).

Vera appears next to me with a concerned expression, holding the phone.

“Basilton, your aunt Fiona is on the phone and she says she needs to speak to you urgently.”

Shit, I completely forgot to text Fiona.

I thank Vera and I wait for her to leave before picking up the phone.

“Hi Fio-“

“Are you out of your fucking mind?!” she shouts so loudly that I nearly drop the phone, “I was worried sick! You said you would text and keep me updated! All I got was a three letter text saying _‘we’re home’_ on Friday evening and then nada! I’ve been worrying and worrying and you’ve probably been shagging like rabbits.”

“Fiona, I’m sorry. My mobile died and I left my charger at home.”

“That’s the most ridiculous excuse I’ve ever heard, you could have used the landline, Baz! It’s fucking Sunday today!”

“Ok, sorry. I’ve been busy. Not shagging like rabbits, before you start making jokes.”

I can hear her sigh and the noise of china breaking in the background. There goes another one of our mugs, the woman’s a liability.

“How’s it going with the Chosen One?”

“You know he hates that name. Things are going…ok. I’m not entirely sure, but I think we’re making progress.”

“Did you pack any condoms?”

“Shit, Fiona, what the actual fuck! None of your business and no, I didn’t even pack a bag. That’s why I left my charger at home.”

“You can always go into town to get some, I wouldn’t ask Vera to get them for you because she might have a heart attack.”

“Fiona, I’m not going to discuss this with you, end of conversation!” 

This woman will be the death of me.

“Are you planning on coming home any time soon?”

“I don’t know, I’m still on holiday, so I’m not in a rush. Why?”

There’s a pause before she answers.

“Basil, I managed to track down Nico and we had a not so polite chat about what you and I discussed after you came back from America.”

“Oh,” I gulp, “what have you found out?”

**Simon**

**Penny (11:15 am):** How are you doing, Si?

 **Simon (11:17 am):** Ok, how are you?

 **Penny (11:18 am):** All fine, Shepard is driving me mental. Have you and Baz managed to patch things up?

 **Simon (11:17 am):** Trying to. Can I call you?

I feel the need to chat with her, Penny always knows how to put order into the chaos that are my thoughts, I need one of her pros and cons lists right now.

“What’s up Simon?”

“Penny, Baz is in love with me.”

“Ok…now tell me something we didn’t know already.”

“Wait, you knew?!”

“You didn’t??”

I groan in frustration, how thick am I?

“Penny, I’m not sure I’m supposed to tell you this, but we have a no-secret rule and I need advice. I’ve found some letters Baz wrote to me during school and…well they’re eye-opening on how much he loves me.”

“Wait, sorry, let me get this clear. You found these letters and Baz gave you permission to read them?”

“Well…sort of, he didn’t want me to, but I kind of forced his hand. He said he loved me the other day and I didn’t really believe him, but after reading his letters, I do. Penny, he’s spent years hiding his feelings, hurting and I had no idea…But it’s like my feelings are all tangled up in a giant knot. I’ve tried to make him understand that I want to get back together, but he had like a mini breakdown and he’s really stressing about these letters.”

“Simon, do you realise you’re basically reading his secret diary? It’s a massive invasion of his privacy, no wonder he’s freaking out!”

“I didn’t mean to make him panic! I just wanted to know more about his feelings, he never tells me anything.”

“It’s not like you’ve been exactly open with him either…”

I suppose she’s right; Baz has actually made an effort to be more open lately and I haven’t said a single thing to him.

“Simon, I’m not great at these things, I messed up big time with Micah. But if you have to learn from my mistakes, I would say that you should speak to Baz.”

She’s right. I need to speak to him.

“Wait, Shepard wants to tell you something.”

“Hi Shep, how are you?”

“Enjoying the lovely company of Penelope, she’s a delight!” I can hear Penny muttering something in the background.

“Have you found my gift yet?” he asks sounding amused.

“Gift?” I ask confused.

“I’ve put some condoms and lube at the bottom of your bag, they’re underneath your clothes. You looked really out of it the other day, so I thought I should help you pack. Better safe than sorry, man.”

“YOU WHAT?!” I hear Penny shouting.

I’m glad we’re on the phone and they can’t see how red my face is.

**Baz**

I manage to find my mother’s notebooks, there’s all sorts of things in there. It’s a mixture of professional stuff, like lesson plans for Watford or studies on spells, intertwined with her more personal thoughts on all sorts of topics. I keep it aside to read it later, I never thought I would find it here, my father must not have known that she had left it in the library (we have so many books, I doubt he knows what we have).

In the early afternoon Simon comes and joins me, he sits down on the floor next to me and I can see that he has puffy eyes, he looks like he’s been crying.

“Have you found any of your mother’s things?”

“I found her notebooks and her wedding photo album.”

I show him and he starts smiling, flicking through the pictures.

“Wow, look at your dad! His hair is so dark, he looks a lot more like you in these photos. And look at the clothes they’re wearing! I can’t believe Fiona wore that at her sister’s wedding, she’s such a punk.”

I realise that this must be weird for him, he doesn’t have any family photos to look at. Does he even have any pictures of himself as a child? I wish I could see them.

“Baz, I have a favour to ask,” he says looking sheepish, “can you read this to me?” he takes one of my letters out of his pocket and hesitantly hands it to me.

“You want me to read this out loud?” I ask in disbelief.

“Please?”

I open it and I can feel a surge of panic.

“Simon, why this one?”

“Baz, read it to me. I need to hear you say those things. It’s not enough to just read them. Please,” he begs.

I look at his eyes and then nod.

I hold the letter with trembling hands, then Simon moves closer to me and I can feel his tail coiling around my ankle, warm and reassuring.

_“Dear Simon,_

_I’m finally home to you. I’m eight bloody weeks late, because I was kidnapped by fucking Numpties._

_I cannot believe that I’ve lost two months of our last year together because of this, my family refused to pay the ransom and it took Fiona six weeks to find me. They wanted me to stay at home and recover, but no fucking way! I had to come back to you. I just had to.”_

I pause for a moment and look at Simon, he’s sitting crossed-legged on the floor his eyes are locked with mine.

I take a deep breath and continue reading.

“ _It was just so awful, my love. More than the agonising hunger (whoever ordered them to kidnap me forgot to mention that I also need food to survive, not just blood), the constant pain in my leg and the lack of movement, it was the fact that I was stuck in a coffin._

_No light, no sound, no air._

_It was an endless night of dread._

_After two weeks I thought I was going to die there, after three I was almost wishing for it. I let myself slip away after a while, just to stay sane._

_The only thing that kept me alive was you. I held on to the thought that you were still in this world, that you were at Watford and I had to come back to you, that I love you with all that I am._

_My love for you kept me alive._

_I’m finally home, you’re sleeping next to me in a knot, with your legs pulled up and your shoulders hunched. Your curls on the pillowcase look so soft, I want to touch them so badly._

_I cast **sweet dreams** on you, because I like seeing you smile. I wonder what you’re dreaming about._

_I feel tears filling my eyes and I let them fall down my cheeks._

_I’m home._

I manage to finish reading in a whisper, I look at Simon and he’s crying softly. I hold out my hand to him and he catches it, squeezing it tightly.

“Baz, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you…what?”

“How you felt…I wish I had come to look for you, I was going mental trying to find out where you were, I couldn’t sleep at night and nobody would listen to me. And when you came back, I was a jerk to you, after everything you had been through! I’m so sorry.”

“Simon, it’s not your fault. But I told you at Christmas that I had been kidnapped, it’s not like I kept it a secret afterwards.”

He shakes his head.

“You didn’t tell me the other stuff…why didn’t you tell me that you loved me?”

“Because I thought…because I thought you would be scared of my feelings, of how much I love you…of how much I want you,” I manage to say.

“Baz, I thought you were with me out of pity,” he mutters shaking his head. He looks a mess, his nose is running and his eyes are all red. I hand him my handkerchief and take a deep breath.

“I’m sorry Simon, I’m so used to keeping my life secret, that I do it almost automatically. I have to hide that I’m a vampire all the time, I spent years hiding that I was gay and in love with you. At university, I have to hide that I’m a mage. I’m always hiding something, it has almost become a second nature to me.”

Simon gets closer to me, his fingers close around my cheeks and he looks me straight in the eyes.

“You don’t have to hide from me. I want to see you, Baz. All of you.”

I put my hands on top of his and I want to believe him, I want him to be the only one who gets to see all of me, broken and messed up as I am.

“You’ve seen the worst of me and you’re still here. Why do you think I wouldn’t do the same?” he asks.

Because I don’t know if he loves me, but I don’t dare to say it.

“I don’t want to be your terrible boyfriend anymore,” Simon says and I can feel my heart shattering before he adds, “I want to be a good boyfriend from now on. I want to take care of you, take you on dates, let you spend the night at my place, hold you and kiss you goodnight. I have a list of things I want to do with you…of things I want to do to you,” his cheeks turn red and he looks so beautiful.

“I want to be there for you, like you’ve been for me, Baz.”

I feel like my heart is going to burst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the slightly depressing chapter, I just thought that considering what Simon and Baz are like, it would probably take them absolute ages to figure things out. I was planning on writing 4 chapters in total, but I got carried away and I think I need at least 2 more chapters to wrap things up.  
> Also, they need to use that lube that Shepard so kindly provided!  
> Thanks for all the lovely people who keep on reading and for those who left kudos and comments!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A walk in the woods, Simon wants to show Baz that he wants him, an eventful evening sponsored by Shep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took longer than usual, I’ve been writing, then rewriting, then deleting scenes like an idiot and I was never happy with it.

**Baz**

We’re both quite emotional after talking in the library, I feel like crying and laughing at the same time.

Simon wants to be with me, I still can’t believe it.

We’re sitting on the floor, his tail is still curled around my ankle and he’s looking at me with a sheepish grin.

“Do you need to go back to finish reading my letters?” I ask.

“No, I’m done. I’ve read all of them.”

I hold my breath, as my eyes find his. I search for what I’ve been dreading for so long, but I can’t find it. He doesn’t look scared, disgusted, nor terrified. He’s giving me one of his Simon smiles.

“Shall we go for a walk?” he suggests, holding my hand and leaning in to kiss me on the lips. It’s almost a chaste kiss, his lips linger on mine for a few seconds and then his blue eyes lock into mine and I can almost see how much he cares for me.

In spite of all the pain we’ve been through in the past few days, in the past year actually, it’s so good to see that we’re still there for each other. He smiles at me and all my worries seem to melt away.

“Good idea, let’s go out.”

**Simon**

We take a nice walk around the garden, which is so ridiculously huge that it should count as a park (it even has a massive fountain with fish in it and I think I’ve seen a fucking peacock).

We head for the woods and I fly for a bit, it’s so great to stretch my wings and to feel the wind in my hair. The weather is taking a turn for the worse and it’s starting to get chilly again (bloody English summer, you never know what to expect), so I look for Baz and land next to him.

He’s wearing a shirt and a light jumper, but I know how cold he gets as soon as the temperature drops.

“Hey, are you warm enough?” I ask.

“Not really, I might pop back inside to grab my jacket.”

“No need to,” I say taking my hoodie off and offering it to him.

“How chivalrous of you,” he says smirking and raising his left eyebrow. He puts my hoodie on and he snuggles in it (I catch him smelling it with a blissful expression when he thinks I’m not looking at him).

“I’m just taking care of my boyfriend” I shrug, trying to look convincing.

Baz grabs my hand, he looks hesitantly at me for a few seconds, then gets closer and our lips join together for a kiss.

Merlin, I love kissing him, he smells and tastes amazing. I nibble at his bottom lip and then I suck it until it turns pink.

“Baz, I know you normally hunt when it’s dark, but would you mind doing it now?”

“Why?” he asks surprised.

“I was thinking about having an early dinner and then…well, there’s something I would like to do this evening, so if you feed now, you won’t have to do it later.”

He looks confused and raises his eyebrows.

“Do you want to go somewhere?” he asks.

“No, I just…I just wanted to spend some time with you.”

“Ok…that’s nice,” he says. He’s clearly trying to figure out what I’m planning to do, “I’ll do it now then.”

**Baz**

Is Simon planning on having some kind of romantic date night with me?

**Simon**

“Can I come with you?” I ask, because I know Baz would prefer to hunt alone, but I don’t want to be on my own right now. I need to be physically close to him. After I defeated the Humdrum, I lost Baz along the way, little by little and day by day we lost a bit more of each other. But now that I’ve finally found him again, I’m so fucking scared that I might do something wrong and it might happen again. I cling to his hand and I don’t want to let go.

He smiles at me and nods.

“I don’t like it when you watch me feed though.”

“Why?” I ask.

He averts my gaze and looks at his shoes instead, as we venture deeper into the woods.

“Because I don’t want you to find me disgusting or scary. I know it’s repulsive.”

“Baz, you’ve seen me eat! Besides, I told you, it’s not like I’m vegetarian. You just like your meat…very raw.”

“Simon, you don’t have to try to make it better…”

“Baz, what are you so afraid of?” I push him to answer, because I don’t want this to be another wall between us.

“That you might find me disgusting…that you might not want…” he hesitates, “not want to kiss me anymore…” he finishes in a whisper.

I reach for him and curl my hand around the back of his neck and pull him in for a kiss, it starts off slow and loving (because I want him to know that I’d love him no matter what), but then I end up pushing him against the nearest tree and deepening the kiss. My tongue slides against his, as Baz lets out these soft little moans and his fingers pull at my t-shirt, then slide under it. His hands are so cold on my back, but they soon start to warm up and my arms circle his waist, drawing him closer to me.

“I don’t think you need to worry about that…” I whisper against his mouth.

**Baz**

Vera keeps on looking at me with an amused expression on her face and I can’t help but blush. I actually properly turn red, because I drank a ridiculous amount of blood (for some weird reason Simon insisted on me filling my stomach, Merlin knows what he’s plotting).

“You look happy,” Vera says as I help her bring dinner to the dining room.

“Well, things are…going better, shall we say?”

“I’m glad to hear that,” she says, patting my arm.

**Simon**

After dinner I take a quick shower and wear clean underwear and a t-shirt. I look at my tracksuit bottoms and try to decide whether to wear them or not. I asked Baz to wait for me in his bedroom, would he freak out if I just walked in without trousers?

I feel the anxiety starting to creep up on me, my hands get sweaty and my heart starts pounding in my chest. I feel a tingling in the tip of my fingers, as I struggle to breathe properly.

I don’t want to fuck up. I want this to work. I don’t want to panic as usual because I’m scared, but my chest already feels so tight.

Baz loves me and everything will be ok, he loves me even though I’m messed up, he’s seen the worst of me and still wants to be with me.

It will be fine, I keep on repeating like a mantra.

Everything will be ok.

Breathe in, breathe out.

**Baz**

Simon opens the door and walks in quietly; my eyes leave the book I’m pretending to read to look at him and I nearly drop it.

He’s standing a few feet from the bed, wearing nothing but an old t-shirt and his light blue boxer shorts.

He looks stunning and terrified.

“Hey, are you ok?” I ask, trying to sound calm, when I’m actually about to lose it myself.

“Yes…I-I…just…” he stammers, looking confused and playing with his top, stretching it over his groin. His cheeks are flushed and his eyes are looking anywhere but at me.

“Simon, it’s ok. We don’t have to do anything, we can take things as slowly as you want to.”

I know how he feels about me touching him, we’ve tried in the past and it never went well, we never got past a few awkward and frustrating tentative touches.

“Simon, I’m honestly happy just holding hands. We can kiss if you feel like it, that’s always really lovely.”

He sighs, looking frustrated and unhappy as he tugs at his curls and paces around the room.

“But I want to…I want to show you…” he already sounds panicky and out of breath, that’s not a great start.

“Take a deep breath, love. Everything is going to be ok.”

I hold my hand out to him, hoping that he will take it. He stops pacing and looks at me with desperate eyes.

“Baz…” he whines.

“Breathe, love. I’m happy with whatever you feel like doing, even just sitting side by side is nice. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself.”

He huffs and looks disappointed.

“Simon, please don’t feel like we have to-“

“Wait, I have an idea!” he interrupts me and then he runs out of the room and leaves me there, feeling like an idiot.

Am I supposed to take my trousers off too?

**Simon**

Why did I not think about it earlier? I’m such an idiot!

I dash back to Baz’s room and close the door behind me. He’s still on the bed, looking quite confused. I sit down next to him and take his hand in mine.

“Baz?”

“Simon…”

“I’m sorry I’m so shit at this. I-I don’t know how to be soft…no one’s ever been with me before. I’m not trying to use this as an excuse, but it’s not like I grew up with people who taught me how to show my feelings. You’re the only person who has ever told me ‘I love you’ and it really means the world to me. I want to show you…how _I_ feel.”

Baz just stares at me with his grey eyes looking sad and full of love and then he hugs me really tightly.

I don’t want him to take pity on me, I was just trying to explain why I’m so bad at this.

“I told you that I’m scared of you touching me, but it’s not because I don’t want you to…I’m just scared…and I’ve never done this before.”

“Oh…” he whispers.

“I know you were wondering, but I’ve never done anything with Agatha, we just kissed. And there’s never been anyone else. You’re the first one I’ve wanted to…you know…”

He nods and kisses my hand.

“You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted,” he simply says. And the thought fills my heart with a warm feeling that seeps through my body, I think I might burst from how much he’s making me feel.

“Baz, could you please read this for me?”

I hand him one of his letters and he eyes it suspiciously, but as soon as he opens it, I can see the most amazing blush colouring his cheeks and neck. 

“Simon…are you sure?” he mutters.

“Yes, one hundred percent.”

I get up from the bed to turn the lights off and open the curtains, letting the light of the moon illuminate the room.

“You can see me, can’t you?” I ask.

“Yes, can you see me?”

“A bit, my eyes will get used to the darkness.”

“Ok.”

**Baz**

I start reading, I honestly don’t know how I’m going to do it, but Simon asked me to and I can’t say no.

_Dear Simon,_

_It’s the last night I’ll probably spend in our room, today was the last day of school and I’m done. From next week, I can finally come and see you whenever I want, I really can’t wait to have you in my arms again and kiss you._

_Have I ever told you that I love your hugs?_

_I’m sure you know that I would die for your kisses._

I pause, as I feel Simon’s tail slowly moving across my body, starting from my feet and then moving up my legs, stopping on my hips and then softly tugging at my pyjama trousers.

_I’ve missed you so much in the past few months, I’ve missed your smiles and your voice, I’ve missed your smell and the touch of your warm fingers._

_If you were here with me for the last night in our room, I would kiss you against the door, I would pin your hands above your head and I would explore your mouth with my tongue, making you sigh and grind your hips against mine._

_I would then slowly kiss my way down your jaw and suck at your neck, I would leave bruises and hickeys, marking you as mine, so that everyone would be able to see at the ball tomorrow that you belong to me._

_Simon Snow is mine and I’m his._

He sighs next to me and I try my best not to think about how hard I’m going to get if I keep on reading this letter (I remember writing it and I know where this is going, I’m frankly surprised that Simon chose this one). With the corner of my eyes I can see Simon shifting and I nearly swear out loud when I notice that he is definitely hard too and his hand is palming his boxers.

Fuck!

“Baz, keep on reading…”

_I would have you gasping for air and begging me to go further down, I would then drop down to my knees and look at you with adoring eyes, trailing kisses on your clothes, teasing you until you groan in frustration and involuntarily thrust your hips forward, asking for more._

_I would slowly lower your trousers and then I would free you from your underwear and just stare at you, because I’m sure that your cock is as glorious as the rest of you. I would close my eyes as I smell you, hearing your blood running through your veins with a soft hum. I would need to focus not to get my fangs to pop, because I want to bite you so badly, but I want to suck you off more._

_Crowley, I would be dying for your cock, I would be salivating just at the thought of having you in my mouth._

Simon groans and his hand reaches inside his underwear, he pulls his t-shirt up and I can’t help but moan when I see the moles and freckles scattered on his hips and abdomen. Crowley, I don’t know what I would do to be able to kiss him there.

He closes his eyes and gets his cock out, slowly stroking it, as his breathing gets more irregular. I’ve pictured it in my head for years and nothing could have prepared me for the real thing.

He simply looks stunning.

“Fuck, Simon, you’re going to kill me, you’re so beautiful…”

“Baz…keep on reading…” he says and even if it’s dark, I can tell that he’s blushing.

_And then I would finally give in and open my mouth, I would let my tongue run along your length, I would lick the precome from the tip of your cock. I bet it tastes delicious. Fuck, I don’t know what I’d do to actually be able to taste your come._

_You would slide your fingers through my hair and moan loudly, as I suck you hard and use my hand at the same time, because you’re so big and hard that I can’t even fit all of you into my mouth._

_You would ask me to stop, because you’re about to come, but I would continue because I’m desperate for you to explode into my mouth. When you finally do, I would swallow every last drop and feel like I’m about to come too, even though I haven’t even touched myself._

_You would look at me with adoring blue eyes and then you would whisper “your turn.”_

Simon suddenly gets up and goes towards his bag, he rummages through it and comes back with a small bottle of what I presume is lube.

Aleister fucking Crowley, did he pack lube before coming here?

I don’t even have time to start wondering what Simon Snow normally puts in his travel bag, when he makes the most debauched satisfied groan as he starts stroking his cock again with slippery fingers.

“Baz…”

_I would lie on your bed (because it smells like you) and you would take all of my clothes off. I would beg you to take yours off too, because I can’t stand not seeing you in all of your glory._

_You would press your warm hands all over my body, making me shiver and covering my skin in goosepimples. Then you would get some lube from under your bed and you would pour it onto your fingers, looking at me with a mischievous grin and making me spread my legs for you._

His tail digs into my pyjama trousers and I hold my breath as I feel it rubbing against my hard cock.

“Simon…” I gasp.

He hushes me and his right hand leaves his cock and starts unfastening the laces of my trousers and then ventures inside my underwear and grabs my cock, squeezing it as his thumb slides against my slit, making me moan out loud. 

I’m going to die. For the second time.

“Carry on reading…” he whispers.

_I would be…_

“Aah…”

_I would be lying on your bed, with my legs open for you and you would slowly insert your finger inside me, making me ask for more, as you prepare me for your cock, which would already be hard again. I would be desperate for you to add a second finger, but you would make me beg for it._

_I would try to touch myself, but you would not allow me to. You would tie my hands to the bedpost and then fuck me with your fingers, adding a second and then a third, hitting my prostate and making me see the stars._

Simon gets my cock out and starts stroking with his right hand, at the same time he’s touching his own with his left hand.

If I’ve ever said anything about him not being able to multitask, I take it all back.

“Shit, Simon…”

I actually let out a whine and I’m dying to touch him, but I’m still holding the bloody letter and I’m not letting it go, I don’t want to risk breaking the spell and making him regret this.

As if he’s reading my mind, his hand slows down and he furrows his brows, his lips tighten into a thin line. He’s starting to look like he might panic and I desperately want him to just enjoy this and not worry.

“Just breathe and keep your eyes closed, love, I’ve got you. I’ll continue reading,” I manage to say.

_I would be ready for you, my hands above my head and my eyes lost in yours. I would be able to feel your heart beating so loudly for me, I would whisper that I love you, I love you so much, I love you more than anything else in the world._

_And then you would lift my legs, making sure that I’m comfortable and making me feel safe and you would finally kiss me, as you fill me up with your cock. You would enter me oh so unhurriedly and then you would start fucking me deep and hard, making me moan and cry, until all I can say is your name. I want you to fill me up with your come, I want -_

“Baz…” he cries loudly and his body suddenly stiffens, then he arches his back and comes into his own hand with a series of little gasps and moans. Merlin, I’m so close and just looking at him makes me lose any kind of composure I’ve manage to keep until now.

When he finally comes down, he opens his eyes and looks at me.

“Fuck, Baz…you’re so beautiful. I can’t believe…” he leans in to kiss me and I whimper as he starts stroking my cock again, I feel my orgasm getting closer, like a wave crashing into my body.

“Baz, you’re so fucking hot…I want you so badly…”

And then I come and it’s the best thing I’ve ever felt in my whole life, I actually see the stars and a white explosion of light, as I moan and call out his name.

“Simon…I love you,” I say, trying to catch my breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope this chapter was not disappointing, I honestly tried my best but I struggle to write smut in English and this chapter never felt good enough, so I kept on rewriting it. Any kind of feedback is more than welcome, I’m not feeling particularly confident with how it turned out.  
> Next chapter should be the last one (unless I change my mind), but I’ve already planned two short sequels - one six months later and one a few years later.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shower, Simon bakes with Vera, a small accident in the woods and a surprise for Baz.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had not planned the shower scene, it simply happened (blame Baz, he’s the one who suggested it).  
> Last chapter!

**Baz**

“Simon... I love you.”

Simon looks at me with affection and he opens his mouth to say something, then closes it. A few seconds go by and all of a sudden he looks upset as he stares down at his crotch, then at mine and the realisation of what has just happened seems to hit him.

“Baz... I'm sorry... I wanted to...” the words seem to die in his mouth and I finally put my letter down and grab his arm instead.

“Simon, what are you even trying to apologise for?”

“I’m sorry, I wanted to give you...more...”

“More what?” I smile, “you've just given me the best orgasm of my life! What more were you planning on giving me?”

“I wanted to do more... I wanted to tell you...”

I suddenly realise that Simon has probably been struggling to tell me how he feels, but he's trying really hard. I don’t know what he wanted to say (my heart skips a beat when I start to wonder with a glimmer of hope if maybe he loves me too), but I can’t stand seeing him upset over it.

“Simon, you’re the most amazing person I know and every single moment you spend with me makes me happy. What we’ve just done was amazing; don’t try to diminish it by thinking of what could have happened instead.”

His eyes lock with mine and I can feel a warm feeling spreading through my chest.

I grab some tissues from my bedside table and help him clean up, wishing I had my magic so that I could cast a quick **Clean as a whistle** and then just cuddle up with him.

“I should go and take a shower, I’m all sticky. You should probably do the same…” he opens his mouth again and then blushes, closing it and tugging at his curls.

Is he suggesting…?

I don’t want to scare him, but I decide to take the courage and just ask the question that is hanging between us.

“Would you like to shower together?” I ask tentatively.

His eyes open wide and then he nods, first with hesitation and then with a shy smile.

“Yes, let’s do that.”

Shit, I’m about to see him naked. I think I’m going to faint.

**Simon**

Thank Merlin he asked, the words just wouldn’t come out of my mouth and I was about to explode.

I’m frankly terrified at the thought of him seeing me naked, but I really want to see him. I’m dying to.

**Baz**

We sort out our clothes and grab some clean ones, then head for the big bathroom next to the master bedroom. The shower is big enough for both of us and Simon’s wings (the perks of living in a mansion).

We get in and I start the shower, then we just stand in front of each other and look awkward.

“On the count of three?” suggests Simon.

I nod and count, then we start undressing without looking at each other.

It’s ridiculous how we managed to share a room for eight years without ever seeing each other naked. We’ve been together for a year and a half and I’ve only managed to catch a glimpse of Simon’s body.

I venture my gaze in his direction and I find him staring at me with his mouth open and a hungry look in his eyes. He is absolutely gorgeous, freckles and moles scattered on his golden skin. His body is fuller than it used to be, but it hasn’t lost its grace and power. I love every single bit of him, from his unruly curls to his wings and his tail, that is now thrashing nervously as he takes in my body.

I’ve never been particularly worried about how I look; I know lots of people consider me handsome, but I don’t really care.

I just hope that he likes me. 

“Baz…you look…breath-taking…you’re so fucking fit!”

I can’t help but snort; trust Simon Snow to swear compliments at me.

“Simon, you’re fucking beautiful yourself, if I may say.”

I take his hand and I kiss it. I want to break the distance between us and feel his body against mine. I feel my cock twitch at the thought and Simon notices, blushing ever so slightly.

“Come on, let’s get in,” he says pulling my hand.

The water is pleasantly warm; we take turns getting wet and then I hand him the soap. We’re standing really close and it’s difficult not to touch. I try to brush my fingers against his arm, checking his reaction. His eyes lock with mine as he presses his hand on my chest.

I close my eyes as I feel his hands wonder around my body, down my arms, then over my back, gently cupping my arse and bringing me closer. My fingers linger on his arms, then trace delicate patterns on his back and touch the skin where Simon’s wings connect to the bottom of his shoulder blades. He lets out a small gasp when I touch him there, so I slowly stroke his wings and I can feel him pressed against me. His forehead rests on my shoulder and his hand wonders down, it finds my hard cock and closes around it. I moan, as he starts pulling at it, wishing I could do the same to him.

“Simon, can I touch you?” I whisper.

He nods against me, kissing my neck and sucking at the skin there. I wish he could leave a bruise, so that tomorrow I would be able to look at it and remember this moment.

I open my eyes and take a deep breath as my hand tentatively closes around his cock, his skin is so warm and his heart is beating so fast. I can feel it pulsing through my skin, as I give him a long stroke.

“Baz…” he moans against my neck and I just feel like I’m going to melt and explode at the same time.

Aleister fucking Crowley, I’m truly living a charmed life.

And just as I think it couldn’t possibly get any better, Simon moves and rubs my cock against his, sending a spark through my spine.

“Fuck, Simon…” I can’t suppress a loud moan as he pumps both of us together and I feel like I’m not going to last long.

**Simon**

Shit, why have I waited so long to do this?

Baz is a whimpering mess in my arms and I love how dishevelled he looks, coming undone under my hands. He’s always so perfect and composed and now he’s crying out my name and making these amazing sounds.

He arches his back and comes hard in my hand, covering us both in his come. That’s all I need to lose it. I catch his lips with mine and moan into his mouth as I come too and he holds me so close against him, that I feel like the world could end now and I would be at peace.

Merlin, I love him so much.

**Baz**

I don’t want to go home ever again; I’m going to keep Simon here as my prisoner.

**Simon**

I wake up feeling Baz’s body against mine. He’s wearing his posh pyjamas, but I’m just in my underwear (I was feeling warm after wanking each other in a hot shower and Baz seemed to love the idea of sleeping cuddled up together with me half naked).

He’s fairly warm; his body is pressed against me and he looks so peaceful, a serene expression on his face as he breathes softly against my chest.

I really need to pee but I don’t want to wake him up, so I disentangle our bodies as slowly as possible, trying to sneak out of bed with a ninja move.

He murmurs a soft: “five more minutes, Simon…” and I smile at him.

I think I’m happy.

**Baz**

I open my eyes and Simon isn’t there, I felt warm and cosy all night and I suddenly feel cold. I look around and I find a note on his pillow.

_Went down for breakfast (sorry, I was starving!) and didn’t want to wake you up, sleeping beauty._

_Last night was amazing…_

If I had enough blood in me, I would blush so badly. Last night…

I want to see him. I want him in my arms again. I need him like I need air.

I pop to the loo, then put on a shirt and some jeans (Simon seems to like them) and head downstairs. I find Simon in the kitchen with Vera, he’s covered in flour and seems to be having the time of his life kneading dough.

“Morning, Baz! I’m helping Vera make bread. We made biscuits earlier, they’re cooling down and will be ready soon.”

“And he’s doing a magnificent job. You truly have a gift, Simon,” says Vera winking at him.

Simon blushes and shakes his head.

“You’re too kind.”

I make myself a cup of tea and sit down in front of him, admiring his biceps as he keeps on working on his dough.

“You should accept her compliments; Vera doesn’t joke about baking.”

“That’s true, I can tell you that Basilton is useless in the kitchen.”

Simon bursts out laughing as he notices my frown.

“I can’t believe there’s something you’re not good at!”

“There’s loads of things he’s not good at, like every single one of us,” says Vera matter-of-factly, “nobody’s perfect. And now excuse me but I need to sort out my laundry. Simon, dear, would you mind kneading that for a little while longer?”

“No problem, Vera!”

She leaves and I observe him for a few more minutes.

“Simon, have you ever considered doing a cooking or baking course and maybe pursuing that as a career?” I ask, hoping not to cross a line. I know he doesn’t like to talk about these things.

His hands stop and his eyes meet mine.

“I like eating, but I’ve never learnt to cook. Nobody’s taught me to.”

“Well, you could learn. You seem to enjoy doing that and you love food.”

He seems to mull things over and bites on his bottom lip.

“I know you want to find a job and become responsible and I really admire that. But you could always train in the meantime. You’re good at a lot of things, so there are many jobs you should consider.”

He huffs and gives the dough a good stretch.

“Like what?” he asks sounding sceptical.

“You seem to enjoy fighting and you’re definitely good at it; you could become a martial arts teacher. Or you could become a cook. Vera says you have talent and she’s a pro. I think you would also be a great care worker.”

He drops the dough and looks at me with disbelief.

“A care worker?! Do you even know how fucked up my childhood was because of care workers?!”

“Exactly because of that. You’ve been in the system and you’ve been wronged. You care about people and you want to improve things, so that would give you the opportunity to give other children the chance you didn’t have. You could make a difference.”

He’s quiet for a few minutes and he looks upset, as he stretches the dough with more strength than necessary. Then he sighs and stops kneading, he washes his hands and sits down next to me.

“You seem to have given this a lot of thought,” he says taking my hands into his.

“Simon, you’ve spent months being unhappy, I’ve been thinking about what we could do to change that. I want to help, Simon. I can help you apply to courses or write a CV. I can spell your wings invisible every morning, if you want. Anything I can do, really.”

His eyes are focusing on our joint hands and he plays with my fingers as he says with a small voice “you’re going to be a successful businessman and you’ll be stuck with a baker or a care worker.”

“Is that what you’re worried about, you moron?” I ask in disbelief.

“Your family will never be happy with me, even if I manage to complete a course and get a qualification in something. It will never be enough. I won’t be worthy of you.”

“That is complete and utter nonsense. I don’t give a shit what my family wants; this is our life. I chose you, Simon!”

“What if I fail? I don’t want to disappoint anyone…” he whispers.

“Simon, you just need to try. You’re doing this for yourself and no one else. I won’t be disappointed in you. I just want to be by your side.”

“What if it goes to shit?” he insists.

“If it does, I want to help you pick up the pieces and start again.”

I can see a tear lingering on his left eye and then falling down his cheek and I kiss it away (I’ve always dreamed about doing it).

“I’ve got you, my love.”

**Simon**

Baz is being ridiculously soft with me (is it because of the sex?), I feel like I could spend the day in his arms. It’s a shame I don’t know how to cuddle (Agatha never wanted to), but I tell myself I can always learn.

I can learn things, Baz had a point earlier. I think university was too much for me; I was not in the right frame of mind when I started and it just dragged until it became a burden and it made me feel like a complete and utter failure. Maybe I should do a vocational course instead, something more practical.

I should also probably start therapy again. It was fucking hard and I really didn’t want to talk about my past, but dropping it hasn’t made things easier; they just spiralled out of control. I think I need to try again, because I want to get back on my feet and I want to be able to tell Baz how I feel about him. I also want to have sex with him and not freak out.

After breakfast we take a walk in the woods holding hands. It always grounds me when Baz holds my hand; it feels like breathing becomes easier and that he’s there for me.

“Baz, I know you’ve got loads to do and you need to study, but could we stay here for a little longer? Vera promised to teach me how to cook a few things.”

He smiles at me and squeezes my hand. It’s so rare to see him smile, it’s something he only seems to do with me and that makes me feel special, like my heart is going to shatter in the most delightful way.

“Yes, I was actually hoping you would want to stay,” he says, “I still have the rest of the summer off, we can go to Winchester to buy the books I need and I can study here. We could also go for a day trip to the Isle of Wight.”

“That would be great, thanks.”

“There are some great spots to visit in the New Forest too. I should be able to put up wards to prevent people from seeing you fly...I mean, if you’re planning on keeping your wings, that is. You said you had an appointment scheduled for this week with Dr Wellbelove,” he says tentatively.

“I sent him a text and cancelled. I would like to stay here a little longer and…well, I’m not so sure what to do about my wings anymore. I think I’ll give it some more time to decide. Flying here has been absolutely amazing and I don’t want to give it up yet.”

Baz smiles and then leans in for a kiss.

“Speaking of which, mind if I fly now?” I ask and he shakes his head.

“I’ll walk for a bit and then head back. I think it’s going to rain soon, so I’ll wait for you inside.”

**Baz**

I hear a loud noise overhead and Simon’s voice crying out my name, just as I’m about to get inside. I look up and I see him struggling to fly, then spiralling down as he tries to hold one of his wings. I instinctively grab for my wand but I don’t have it on me (I left it in my room, since it was useless).

“Shit! Simon, I’m going to try to catch you!” I shout at him, moving closer to where he’s about to crash into the ground.

I leap forward and see him spreading his arms wide with a worried expression on his face. I manage to catch him and we both fall over, but I bang my head on the grass and feel all the oxygen leave my lungs as Simon’s weight crashes onto my chest.

“Fuck…I think I’ve broken my ribs…” I whine.

Simon groans in pain and only then I realise that his right wing is bleeding onto my white shirt; it has a wide gash on its side and he looks like he’s in a lot of pain.

“Simon, are you ok? What happened?” I say touching him. The smell of his blood fills my nostrils and I can feel my fangs pop.

“A fucking drone, it flew into me and cut my wing. I punched it and destroyed it on my way down, that bastard.”

“Simon, you’re bleeding loads, we need to do something. I can’t use my magic here!” I feel the panic rising in my chest, the smell of his blood is overwhelming and all I can think about is how delicious he would taste.

“It’s ok, I just need you to patch me up.”

“I can’t do it, we need to ask Vera for help. I can drive you somewhere far from the estate and then use my magic to heal it completely, but we need to stop the bleeding first.”

“Baz, Vera thinks I’ve got mechanical wings, how are we going to explain the fact that I’m bleeding? You’re going to have to do it yourself; you’ll be fine.”

“Fuck!”

We get up with a groan and head indoors, I try to breathe and look for the first aid kit we keep in the kitchen.

“Simon, I can’t touch your blood, it’s too much…”

Simon winces in pain and sits down on a chair, then he holds his hand out to me. It’s covered in blood and I swallow closing my eyes.

Breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth.

“Baz, you’re going to be fine and you’re not going to hurt me.”

“I’m a fucking vampire, Simon, in case you’ve forgotten.”

“You’re my boyfriend, I know you will never hurt me,” he simply says with a calm that makes me open my eyes and drown into the blue pool of his.

I exhale with a shudder and then I try to ignore my fangs and the burning need to sink them into his flesh. I wipe the wound carefully with a clean towel, Simon whimpers in pain and then I clean it with disinfectant. I take some dressing from the first aid box and start wrapping him. I’ve never done this before and I’m sure I’m doing a crap job at it, but Simon doesn’t complain and the bleeding seems to stops.

I let out a shaky breath as I contemplate my botched attempt at first aid and then I get up to wash my hands, since they’re still covered in blood.

“You can lick it off, you know?” he says.

“Are you out of your fucking mind?!” I say covering them in water and soap.

“Why not? I don’t mind. You can have my blood if you want, I know you want it.”

I turn and stare at him raising my eyebrows.

“Simon, I’m not going to drink your blood, nor anybody else’s. I’m not an animal.”

“Baz, I know you’re not. I’m just offering you mine, just in case you want it. Now that we know that you don’t have to drink all of it and you won’t even turn me, there’s nothing wrong with it” he shrugs.

I sigh and sit down in front of him, releasing a shaky breath.

“Simon, there’s something I need to tell you.”

He looks worried and simply nods.

“I’ve spoken to Fiona and she’s done some research for me. When I spoke to Lamb in America,” he visibly flinches when he hears his name, “he was surprised when I said I was actually twenty. He also said I looked too pale and famished and I do, I’m not like the other vampires we met. I assumed it was simply because I’m not drinking human blood, but then I thought about Nicodemus and I realised that he looks older too, like he aged normally, so I asked Fiona to speak to him.”

Simon looks more and more concerned as I speak, his brows furrowed and his mouth in a thin line.

“Turns out that having magic doesn’t really agree with being a vampire, so we age much faster than a vampire normally would. Plus the fact that I refuse to drink human blood makes my lifespan even shorter, which means that I won’t definitely live forever. I’ll probably live for the same amount of time as a normal human being.”

“Baz, you need to drink my blood then.”

“For Crowley’s sake, Simon! Did you listen to anything I’ve just said?”

“Yes and I don’t want your lifespan to be shorter, you can have my blood!”

“Simon, I don’t want to live forever, this is such a relief for me!”

“What?” he asks surprised.

“Can you imagine a life where all the people you love have died? I don’t even want to think about it. I can’t imagine living in a world where you’re not there anymore, it’s my worst nightmare!”

Simon looks at me with his blue eyes open wide and then he hugs me and holds me close. My ribs hurt like hell, but I couldn’t care less.

“Baz…” he simply says. And I don’t know if he’s still trying to say something to me and can’t or if he just wants to be quiet. I don’t care, he’s in my arms and that’s all that matters.

I hold onto him and breathe in his smell.

He smells like cinnamon buns and bacon. He smells like butter. He smells like home.

~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ ·

**Baz**

“Simon, have you finished packing?”

“I’m nearly done, do we have space for this in the boot or do I need to keep it at the front?”

I finish putting my mother’s neatly folded scarves inside my suitcase and then turn to look at him. He’s holding the trunk with my letters.

“Simon, what do you think you’re doing?” I ask slowly.

“I’m taking these home,” he says matter-of-factly.

“What? Why?” I can’t believe him.

“To read them, of course. I’ve divided them into different groups.”

He opens the trunk and proudly shows me the letters all tied together in different piles.

“Hang on a second, they’re not divided by year. What have you done?”

Simon grins and points at them.

“This is angry Baz, this is romantic Baz, then we have horny Baz, vampire Baz, jealous Baz and this is sad Baz who needs a cuddle.”

I can feel my face heating up (I’ve just fed) and Simon gets closer and puts his arms around my waist.

“I’m taking them home with us; they’re my most precious treasure.”

**Simon**

Vera hugs me really tight and places a soft kiss on my cheek.

“Come and visit soon and keep in touch. I’ve written all of Baz’s favourite recipes in this book; let me know how it goes.”

She hands me small notebook and I beam at her.

“Vera, thank you so much! I don’t know what to say.”

“Just promise me that you’ll look after yourself and him; deep down he’s a softie,” she winks at me and I can see Baz blushing, while he pretends to be busy preparing the car.

“Baz, can we take a small walk before we leave?”

“Sure,” he says shutting the door and taking my hand.

I take him through the garden and into the woods, then I make him sit down and I fidget for a few minutes, trying to find the courage to speak.

“Are you ok, love?”

“Yes…there’s…there’s something I wanted to give you.”

I get the letter out of my hands and hand it to him.

“Simon, this is not one of mine,” he says surprised.

“No, I wrote it for you.”

His eyes pause on it for a few seconds and then find mine.

“Can I read it now?”

“Yes, but it’s the first letter I’ve ever written. It’s not as good as yours, sorry.”

Baz smiles softly and he takes my hand as he starts reading it.

_Dear Baz,_

_I hope you manage to understand my handwriting, I know it’s not as neat and lovely as yours (you once told me that I write like an animal)._

_I’m sorry I'm shit at telling you stuff, but I promise I am going to try my best from now on and that one day I will be able to say the important things out loud._

_Thank you for writing those amazing letters for me. They fill my heart with so much love and joy. They helped me realise how much you love me and I will never be thankful enough for that._

_Since I don’t have any old letter to give you, I thought I'd write one for you (it won’t be as good as yours though)._

_Here’s a list of things I should have written down for you since I’ve met you:_

  * _I love the way you smell, like cedar and bergamot (I asked Penny to smell our bathroom once, because I was dying to find out)._
  * _I used to talk about you so much that Penny had to set a limit to how much time I could do it for. She used to say that I was obsessed with you and she was right. I was._
  * _I often wanked in the shower smelling your soap, closing my eyes and thinking of black hair, strong arms, grey eyes and a deep baritone voice saying my name (yes, I know, it was well gay and I'm so thick for not realising it)._
  * _I love your hair when you let it fall in soft waves around your face. You’re so beautiful._
  * _You have an amazing arse and those tight jeans make me lose control._
  * _I used to sit outside of the room where you practised the violin and I would listen to you for hours, pretending that you were playing for me._
  * _You're the best thing that has ever happened to me._
  * _You're even better than butter._
  * _I used to miss you so much during the summer. I thought I was bored, I thought I was lonely and hungry. The truth is that I simply missed you so much that it hurt._
  * _I love your singing voice._
  * _I am so fucking terrified of letting you down, that sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe._
  * _I'm sorry I broke up with you, but at the same time I am glad I did, because now I know how much you love me. Sorry for breaking your heart, though. If it makes you feel any better, I broke mine too and I thought I was going to die when you were gone. Thank you for coming back and for giving me a second chance._
  * _I used to watch you sleep all the time._
  * _I really want to have sex with you and I am sorry I'm so scared of it._
  * _The thing I miss the most about having magic is being able to share mine with you._
  * _I really want to tell you something. I've been wanting to tell you for a long time but every time I try, I chicken out._
  * _I’m going to write it down, because I want you to know. Because you deserve to know._
  * _Baz, I love you._



_Simon_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the ending wasn’t a sappy mess, I really tried my best (but I actually cried when I wrote Simon’s letter, because I’m a mess).  
> I’m writing a small smutty sequel set a few months later and then another set a few years later (it will be my CO Tarot fic).  
> Huge thanks to all the lovely people who left comments or kudos.  Please let me know what you think of the ending.


End file.
